[music] {they might be giants}
its ok, im alright, everything will be ok, im fine, im alright, im really ok. I truly love you, honestly.
So today could have been the the worst day of my life. It was basically, but if it just went one step more...i could have gone into mental death, yet again.
It started in the morning, when i was awoken by dad yelling at me about the laundry. Nick had basically no clothing, neither did tony. Its my job to do the laundry, I havent been lately. Went to work today, 3 hours. I made 30 dollars, then went to the mall for AJs birthday present. I bought him new beads for his bridge piercing. I called him, told him to come. He came, hitchhiked. I guess I shouldnt worry, he knows what hes doing. I looked at him. He took out his piercing. 10$'s...on a now worthless birthday present. I gave it to kenney, not completely worthless. After a while with Luc and Kenney being there, i felt completly ignored. I probably was acknowledged, I just didnt feel it, womanly feelings? So, then we walked around and I blew up at him...in front of Angie, shit that was dumb. I shouldnt have freaked. I couldnt help it. It happened twice. Then the last time, i came back, told him i loved him, kissed him, then sat outside for 34 minutes waiting for my dad.
so ive fucked up. i have made grotesque of what was once something beautiful. hes not the happiest right now with our relationship. hes amazing, he diserves better than me. better than a mentally confused 13 year old girl. its his birthday sunday, and i want to do something nice for him. Whether or not were going out. He diserves a happy birthday, breaking up will make him unhappy because hell be worried about me. This is what he says anyways. I dont know. The only thing im for sure about is that this boy is the hold world to me. Hes everything. I dont want to lose him. I dont want him to be upset all the time.
Im sorry for being imperection. Im just an empty hole to the world. I still love you though.
im so glad i have people who will help me through whatever pain i have. Jenni, Rayce, Brynn, Caitlyn, Caitlin...i fucking love you chlidren to death.
ive cryed all my make-up away
*love*
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