[music] - {they might be giants - spider guitar}
Love is an emotion that can fuck you up big time.
I fall in love to easily. So, Im basically over him. This is because Ive forced myself too. Were still friends, which makes me happy. I can stil have contact with him without him hating me. Right. So, its been over a week. And my eye has already seen someone, two people. For that matter. 3, actually. Wow, 3 people. I feel slighlty whore ish for saying that.
Soo. Happiness, A really good friend of mine is coming to see me! Khrystyne = SO FUCKING HAPPY. I love him, truely I do. I have for a while. He was a major part of the reason I dated AJ, except hes different than AJ, but...better? possibly. Im counting the days. Hes coming around April, no idea when, but if its around the show Ill be dragging him along. He'll love it here, he should move here. Hes troubled in Alberta, he wont be with me. If hes with me, we'll be happy together. Hes an amazing boy, inside and out. He talks to me, hes sweet to me. He knows who he is.
Sooo, recently 3 names have been appearing on my arms again. Puppy crushes, at least I hope. I dont want them to grow into anything more, Im afraid of getting my heart broken...again. So. Boy #1, If i liked him, i would get in a shitload of shit, at least I think I would. Someone would probably hate me, a few people would probably hate me...this might not be a good idea, I've know him for a while. Hes a special boy, hes short and cute. He falls in love too easily. He doesnt like me anyways. Boy #2, What too say, what to say, hes soooooooo sweet to me, Im going to cuddle with him on sunday, were full of like together. Hearts. Boy #3...I cant talk about him, hes already taken.
I think ill wait a while until I make my decision on what to do. its to soon to tell, i want to make sure i deal the right cards.
I think Ill leave right now.
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well, im not alright. everything has gone downhill.
3 days ago was the break up. i havent stopped crying. im an emotional fuck, and thats why he broke up with me, i saw him today. i tried not to cry, i couldnt hold it in. i couldnt stop crying, it didnt help that he was all over another girl. fucking. i still love him to death, and i would take him back, i know i shouldnt, but i would, and i will. alot of people were angered, i guess. i feel insecure, and uncomfortable aorund the whole band. i feel "outcasted". i still love him, and i hate my nexus. for i always find myself crying about how hes talking to girls on nexus and not me. i told me he loved me, i guess it was a lie. no one will make me feel like he did. but i guess its over now. maybe it will get better? maybe hell make it better? i doubt it.
someone please kill me, im to afraid to do it myself.
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[music] {they might be giants}
its ok, im alright, everything will be ok, im fine, im alright, im really ok. I truly love you, honestly.
So today could have been the the worst day of my life. It was basically, but if it just went one step more...i could have gone into mental death, yet again.
It started in the morning, when i was awoken by dad yelling at me about the laundry. Nick had basically no clothing, neither did tony. Its my job to do the laundry, I havent been lately. Went to work today, 3 hours. I made 30 dollars, then went to the mall for AJs birthday present. I bought him new beads for his bridge piercing. I called him, told him to come. He came, hitchhiked. I guess I shouldnt worry, he knows what hes doing. I looked at him. He took out his piercing. 10$'s...on a now worthless birthday present. I gave it to kenney, not completely worthless. After a while with Luc and Kenney being there, i felt completly ignored. I probably was acknowledged, I just didnt feel it, womanly feelings? So, then we walked around and I blew up at him...in front of Angie, shit that was dumb. I shouldnt have freaked. I couldnt help it. It happened twice. Then the last time, i came back, told him i loved him, kissed him, then sat outside for 34 minutes waiting for my dad.
so ive fucked up. i have made grotesque of what was once something beautiful. hes not the happiest right now with our relationship. hes amazing, he diserves better than me. better than a mentally confused 13 year old girl. its his birthday sunday, and i want to do something nice for him. Whether or not were going out. He diserves a happy birthday, breaking up will make him unhappy because hell be worried about me. This is what he says anyways. I dont know. The only thing im for sure about is that this boy is the hold world to me. Hes everything. I dont want to lose him. I dont want him to be upset all the time.
Im sorry for being imperection. Im just an empty hole to the world. I still love you though.
im so glad i have people who will help me through whatever pain i have. Jenni, Rayce, Brynn, Caitlyn, Caitlin...i fucking love you chlidren to death.
ive cryed all my make-up away
*love*
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Friday night was amazing. Music was orgasmic; people were hilarious, over all it was an amazing night.
Saturday night was alright. I cried.
Sunday, I was with Brynn. He helps me.
Everything is going wrong. My whole family is broken, everyone. Anyone that’s important to me is basically dying. I don’t know what I'm going to do. I’m struggling; so many things are fucking up. My grandpa, one of the most AMAZING men in the world, is dying. He suffered a brain aneurysm in the summer of 2002; we thought we had almost lost him. We didn’t. Although they couldn’t get the whole thing out of his brain. Recently, he hasn’t been doing well. Word slurred, walking into walls, bad temper. I love that man so much. I was his first grandchild, if he dies, I don’t know what will happen to me. I’ve already lost my grandma, from the other side. She was a phenomenal woman. I’m surprised I took that as calmly as I did at the time. Now even the thought of her makes me cry. Back to the other side of the family: If grandpa dies, my grandma will seriously have a heart attack. Her husband of like, 40-ish years. Someone who she has shared basically her entire life with will die. She won’t know what to do. The winds and snow have recently fucked them over, a willow fell on the power lines and when they tried to put the power back on, all appliances blew up. I have nothing I can do to help them, for I have no money what so ever. All I can give them is my love, but to me that’s not enough. They deserve to have more money than they do. Other things. My moms come down. We had a talk last night. She was saying how she tells everyone how much I mean to her. She told me how much she missed my dad, how much she wished she never did any of the shit she got into. The drugs, the alcohol, the hells angels, everything, she told me she was sorry. Sorry for having to let me be the mother figure to 2 young boys. My bother and my half brother (Tony). My mom has actually become a mother, and I have recently gained respect for her. Looked at her from a different perspective. She’s come back to reality. She’s a person. I’ve been waiting for that talk for 6 years. I’m feeling a lot better, about that anyways. I’m so amazed at how many wonderful people I know. Everyone I can talk to. I NEED to talk to people. I’m so emotionally shut down. I’ve been crying for the last 5 hours straight. I’m worried about people. Mostly my grandpa. I need AJ. I needed him last night. I needed a person that would hold me tight against him, and just talked to me. I needed him. I still need him. I also need to talk to Jenni-Lynn. I’m telling her everything tomorrow, while we skip first blocks. I cant be around people. I KNOW that I’ll start crying, and that I’ll get sympathy from a shit load of people. I HATE sympathy from people other than people who are REALLY important to me. I’m glad those people are there. AJ, Jenni, Caitlyn, Kelsey, Rayce, Brynn. I love them. I can talk to them, they’ll listen. And I need them the most right now. Or else Ill be a hermit and lock myself in my room and not come out for 6 months. And finally when I do, you’ll probably find this 14-year-old girl, with tangled long hair, pale as a ghost with ribs poking through her skin. She will be mal-nutrition, and have scars all over her body. She’ll not know anything, but how to cry.
”Hello, my name is Khrystyne, care to die today?”
* love *
you know someone loves you when they say things like this.
Yochanan " In the glitter in the dark, sunk into velvet. Praying this, will never end. " says:
If you had the deadliess most contagous virus in the world.
Yochanan " In the glitter in the dark, sunk into velvet. Praying this, will never end. " says:
i still wouldn't leave your side.
Yochanan " In the glitter in the dark, sunk into velvet. Praying this, will never end. " says:
kinda like a puppy.
or.
Yochanan " In the glitter in the dark, sunk into velvet. Praying this, will never end. " says:
*Stands in B* Jenni yells: "KHRYSTYNE MAY MOVE I'M AGAINST IT EVERYONE WHO AGREES SIGN THE POTITION"
HOW I FUCKING LOVE YOU, JENNI-LYNN GREENAWAY. I'D DIE FOR YOU, IF NEEDED....
There is still more to say, but I cant. I’ve cried enough for a million people.
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I've come to realize that I'm nearly dead.
Maybe not physically. You can't see that I'm near mental death, but really, truly I am.
Possibly the only reason I still grasp it is becasue of those few people.
Those few people who when I look at them, I see the world. I see love. I smile again.
Thank you.
I've also recently dicovered this huge amount of loathing I have for myself.
I hate myself, the way I look, the way I act, the way I am. I am truly ugly.
Fuck off, and dont say otherwise. Your lying.
RIP
Khrystyne Nicole Nightingale
April 14th 1991
*insert date here*
Im Gone.
I fell asleep in the shower today. After my realization of my near death.
I put in the plug, so that the water wouldnt go down the drain. I awoke with the water at my bare chest.
I turned off the water and soaked myself. I thought about him, although, thats normal. I remember his arm, the scars. I cannot get that image out of my head, I felt like crying, I still do.
"It takes away the pain" he said.
I wish I could take away his pain, but I dont know if thats what I am to him. Someone who he can come to when in need of some love, and a talking too. I wish I was the drug he went to when he needed it. But, I'm not. I dont know what I'm worth to him. All I know is, hes worth everything to me. I hope I mean the same to him. Im going now.
*love*
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[music] - {stuck in my head; Marcel, Marcel - This Days Red (y'know, AJs fantastic band)}
03 days left. impatient.
10 days left. impatient.
wow im an impatient fucker. if your dumb you wont know what im waiting for. so, ill tell you.
3 days = show + colins birthday (which reminds me about how i must get him his present)
10 days = when i get to go to parksville for 2 days. have a lovely visit with the grandfather, and then sleepover at mikes while re-exploring the town which i used to be a part of. oh, how i miss parksville. so many people hate it, parksville/qualicum area...but i love it. in fact, i hate...DISPISE nanaimo. its so icky here. i love the people, but its just gross here, especially the lakes. *shudders*. ive discovered that again, there are another bundle of things bothering me. a certian girl. one whom im not going to get into a big deal about. anyways. i dont know whats wrong, all i know is that im trying to be a nice person and all some people can do is be little cuntfucks about it. theyre loss, not mine. i hate moody people.
so. family. not my realy family, but im quite happy. within the last month ive met sooo many new people. and ive got this many (4 ) family members.
Leana - my wife
Caitlyn - my big sister
Kelsey - my other big sister
Jenni-Lynn - somehow were related...bloodly-ish-ways
yes. im a family whore, but im not ashamed. :). im basically failing french...i HATE french. i HATE school. except for the not working part. i also hate how people write about A B LUNCH C D block on there blogs. no one cares about your days at school, so shut up fuckers. im gona sounds like a hypocrit for saying this. but im gona fail at school. im SOOO bad at it. 54% in french, thats 4 away from failing. god, im such a fuck up.
on a lighter note. birthday is coming up soon-ish. (3 months, yes its soon, fuck you). 14. champagne birthday! which is on a thursday...which is the day before s friday...*HINT*...(buy khrystyne things that will make her happy *cough*alcohal*cough*...). im gona plan some sort of party for myself. with bunches of people coming. i want this huge thing in the back yard, with lotsa music. and lotsa fun. and a Hot Tub...and STRIPPERS!, male and female...haha. wow, i wonder how much money this would cost...better start saving up. AHA!. anyways. i have a SHITLOAD of homework that i havent started on. i have to hand in all assignments that havent been handed in before next tuesday...which is insane amounts...yeah, bye.
*love*
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[music] - {wilmas rainbow - helmet}
9 days left. = a friendly boys birthday + show.
nick was invited. he shall be thrilled to see. that is if he doesnt leave. why would he stab me like that, nick i mean. my own brother. moving away. gar. what a cuntfuck. yes, im in a bit of an angered mood. for reasons like i didnt get to see AJ today. for nick was no where to be found. a 12 year old boy who doesnt call to tell where he is. non-responsible? fAck.
on a lighter note. AJ has not died. he was waiting to talk to me all day. no work tomorrow. skipping last block, catching an early bus and leaving for woodgrove. i cant wait to see him. i see him so little. its depressing. *sigh*
my poetry is so hideiously emo. and thats possibly the reason i dont post my poems.
a crush for him is possibly turning into more. ive been thinking about him more lately. the mind can be a non-listening thing. but this caught my attention person will not break the LOVE between my still fresh relationship. almost a month and a half. his birthday is soon. something extra spectacular shall be planned. im so glad he doesnt read this. or else hed know what id be doing for him. although i dont. ... sometimes i wish he had read a little bit of it. but. he probably never will.
this show. i cant wait. it shall be wonderfuck. "marcel marcel" how i love that song.
ive just realizied how fat i was. ive been tugging at my skin. i can yank it out 3 inches. many of you probably didnt want to know that. Many? ... no idea why i said many. i know maybe 3 people who read these shit stained thoughts. anywho. yes, im fat. 5 foot 7. 128 lbs = tubby rabbit khrystyne. im gona start writing fat all over my body. that is after i decided to scrub off AJ. which i written all over my body. recently another boys name appeared. but it was in felt. and the name dissapeared fast. AJs name still remains on many areas of Khrystyne.
and as the sun fades slowly in the west i bid you farewell.
*love*, my darlings.
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[music] - {91.3 the ZONE - radio}
hes mad at me. apparently i copied his hair. i dissagree. apparently he hates me. thats a sad thought. let me die today.
im gone
*love*
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[music] - {send the pain below - chevelle}
so. ive decided to be lame and put a list of superbly important people on here. so, anyone with great importance will be heare. and if your not here, either
a.) your my friend, but not someone whos had any emmense importance in my life
or
b.) you suck and i hate you.
anyways, here it goes.
AJ Ritchie - my love, my life, my heart, my mind, my everything. i love you to death.
Jenni-Lynn Greenaway - gar. my best friend. god, so many good times, and funny stories. even though ive only know you for a short time.
Colin Spencly - my beginning of the year best friend. what happened? *sigh* i still love you though. you made me feel loved.
Caitlyn Spence - my sister in law. wow, what a passion i have for you. i always thought you hated me.
Kelsey Coleman - i love you. i see you on the bus alot. your pretty
Jesse Heglin - that boy that lives by the lake. your so nice to me. i still think you guys should have used the condom.
Curt Berry - le drummer boy. squeee. whos the hotty? your so nice. and the first time i was with aj was at your house...which gives you extra love.
Puppy - i love you. so fAcking much. your such a happy boy. and a nice one too. your never gona read this because, as we all know. blogs are for gays.
Brynn - one of my newest friends. hes a favourite of mine. i met him at a metal show. he lives in qualicum. hes nice too me. and i have a tiny bitof a crush...SHHH.
Jenna - *hump* i love thee. and now i consider you my humping buddy.
Sabrina - i met you at curts house. you were nice to me.
Lana - my wife. we should sex.
Laurana - i met you new years. you gave us booze, without knowing we were 13. hehe.
Kenney Smith - "wanna sex?" aha. i *heart* you with emmense-ness. your my mall friend. i see you lots.
Everyone else. go ahead and anger at me because your not on this list. these people are my BEST BEST BEST friends. you may not be, but your still my friends. i think i shall list the middle folk aswell.
Lyss, Sarah, Bee, Brittni, Mark, Martina, Melisa, all of the Jordans, and other people.
alright. now let the lameness go away. im waiting for AJ to get here, although, i dont think it will happen for we have so much fucking snow. i hate snow. with a passion. anyways. now im leaving. and im gona wait impatiently for the lovely boy to get here.
so long.
*love*
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[music] - {cant stop - red hot chili peppers}
snow. snow. snow. oh, how i hate it. the fridgidness. the needing to bundle up in arm clothing. how it gets in the way while your driving. oh how i hate it. so even with the snow, today. i got to go to a metal show. it was good-ish. though, surprisingly i wasnt paying much attention to the music being played. instead i was with a boy. a new boy. a purdy boy. he was very nice, and from what i know so far, hes purdy inside and out. a bad thing. we flirted for so long. i shouldnt have, but did. i couldnt stop myself. but i knew i couldnt go so far as to kiss him. i couldnt do that to AJ. i just love AJ too much. hes my world, my heart, my mind, my everything. hes alot like music. anways, Brynn. hes special. and ive hoped i havent crushed him. i want to be friends with him. but i dont wanna have a crush on him as much as i do. yeah. so show was meh. snow was GROSS. people are interesting. and AJs coming over tomorrow. how I love him soo. yes. so enough of this sappy love child ness. im going to bed.
*love*
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